Who The Hell Am I Doing This For?

So, I’m working on a master’s degree in Media Studies, hoping to get a PhD in Media Effects. I have recently had conversation or situations where I have wondered, who the hell am I doing this for?

Professors encouraging me to get a PhD, saying African Americans need the highest graduate degree.

Students and peers looking at me, judging my critiques, like I don’t know the difference between Stuart Hall and Robert McChesney.

So I think to myself, who the hell am I doing this for?

Black people tellin’ me I’m too black, always talkin’ about race, never stepping back and accepting our place.

White people asking why study race and representation, what’s the importance of black people in the media contextual space.

So I think myself, who the hell am I doing this for?

Constantly struggling to make my mark, studying, writing, and reading, just to be one step ahead.

Everyday battling critics about what I do, how I think, what I like; everyone critiquing all that I have said.

So I think to myself, who the hell am I doing this for?

What’s the point of me trying to free your mind; trying to find a way to escape the racist, sexist, elitist, theories of time?

Researching Hall, West, Dates, and Bogle, dissecting the dichotomy of being Black and American; defining that thin line.

All I'm trying to do is find my place, discover my passion, and recover the notion of the strong Black race.

In the end when no one cares, not even the ones who will be enlightened by the knowledge that has been displaced, who the hell will I have done it for?

I'm gonna make my path, doing what I love. I want to succeed, make an impact on my people, never forgetting, hoping for a better future; always giving myself and so much more.

But when it comes to the end and I look to those faces, I think to myself, who the hell am I doing this for?

What's the reality?...a reality I don't know.